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along the way, but you re more than just Nash s partner.
 No. Sidney shook his head vehemently.  That s exactly what I am and I m okay with
it because that s all I ve ever wanted. But in giving me everything, Nash gave up too much.
He gave up the memories of his father because he was afraid of hurting me, he gave up his
mom because she doesn t like me and he gave up the ranch because he knew I wasn t happy
there. Someday he ll see that, and start to resent me for it.
 So what re you saying? Are you thinking about moving back to the ranch?
 God no. I d shrivel up and die there. That s what I m saying. Nash has given up
everything for me, and the one thing I know would make him the happiest, I can t bring
myself to do. What the hell kind of person does that make me?
 Although you seem to be enjoying your time up there on the cross, I happen to think
Nash has a pretty damn good life here. He s got good friends, a job he loves and you. I m
sure if he wasn t happy you d know it. So take him off the martyr list and just enjoy what the
two of you have.
Sidney couldn t help but laugh. Luke always had the ability to put him in his place.  I
love you, but you re an asshole sometimes.
 Right back at ya, Luke replied before taking another drink of his beer.
FALL Carol Lynne
43
* * * *
After a long cool shower, Nash pulled on a clean pair of jeans and a T-shirt before
leaving the bathroom. It had been decided that JJ would take over occupancy of the little
house while working at the ranch as part of his pay. The deal worked out well for both
Tommy and JJ and since Nash and Sidney rarely visited, it wouldn t be a hardship on them.
However, for at least another few days, it meant Nash and JJ sharing living space. Nash
grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge and joined JJ in the living room.  Bathroom s free.
Shirt already off and laying at his feet, JJ took another drink of his beer. It had been
hard for Nash to resist indulging in the large quantity taking up space in the refrigerator, but
he knew it would only set his conditioning back if he drank.
 I bought some hamburger when I was in town this morning. I thought we could grill if
you re up to it, JJ said.
 Sure. I ll get the charcoal started while you re in the shower. Nash rose and headed
towards the back door. It was increasingly obvious that JJ wanted to talk about Sidney,
something Nash just wasn t comfortable with. He d given JJ the basics, though. Nash was
surprised JJ didn t even know what Sidney did for a living or where his half-brother called
home.
From what Nash could tell JJ knew nothing about Jackson s relationship with Sidney.
Nope, none of my business, he said to himself as he dug the charcoal out of the shed. The last
thing he needed was to ruin JJ s memories of his father. He d seen first-hand what that kind
of pain could do to a person.
After setting the charcoal ablaze, Nash sat in one of the peeling metal lawn chairs and
stared at the dying flames. The screen door slamming shut surprised him.  That was fast.
JJ sat down beside Nash and opened a beer.  You don t drink, do you?
 I drink, well, I used to, until my body went to shit. I ve been working hard to get it
back and beer, even the light stuff, isn t on the diet.
 I find it hard to believe that a beer is going to do you any harm. You ve got an
incredible body.
Nash s spine stiffened. He looked at JJ, his mind buzzing with questions.  Are you
gay?
FALL Carol Lynne
44
 Yeah, I thought you knew, JJ answered.
 No, I didn t. Nash tapped his fingers against the arms of the chair.  Did Jackson
know?
 I reckon. We never openly talked about it, but I never tried to hide it. I figured that s
why he told me I should try and find a job on Sidney s ranch.
 Wait a minute, let me get this straight. You knew Sidney was gay, but you didn t know
anything else about him? Nash found it very hard to believe Jackson would impart that bit
of information about his first born and leave out the rest.
JJ shook his head.  Jackson didn t tell me about Sidney, my mom did.
 But you re relatively sure Jackson knew you were gay?
 Yeah. Like I said, I never tried to hide it. I even dated someone at the feedlot for a
while. Why?
Nash couldn t imagine a worse predicament to be in than where he currently sat.
 Because Jackson hated Sidney. We just assumed it was because Sidney was gay.
JJ ran a hand through his wet blond hair.  Sorry, man, I don t know what to tell you.
My dad didn t talk about Sidney, but I got the impression it was because something bad had
happened between them and they d had a falling out.
Nash couldn t hold his tongue any longer.  Yeah, something happened. Jackson
knocked Sidney around once too often. When we found out he d been lying and stealing
from his own son, we kicked him off the ranch.
JJ s face drained of colour.  What re you saying?
 Shit! Nash jumped to his feet and headed towards the house. It was the exact
conversation he hadn t wanted to get into with the younger man.  Forget I said anything.
 Oh, no you don t, JJ spat, catching up to Nash as he entered the kitchen.  You can t
just throw out something like that and walk away.
 It s not my place&  Nash began.
 Fuck that. Would you rather I call Sidney and ask him to explain it to me?
Nash leaned against the counter and crossed his arms.  Jackson wasn t a good father
after Sidney s mother died. He rarely gave Sidney the time of day and when he did it was
usually by screaming insults or hitting him. There. You happy?
 No. JJ shook his head.  I don t even recognise the man you re talking about.
FALL Carol Lynne
45
 Yeah, that s pretty obvious. Just like it was obvious to Sidney when he went to the
hospital and saw the picture of your family, a family that didn t include him. I think that s
the main reason he left before you got here.
 Mom always told us Sidney wanted nothing to do with us and not to bring it up
around Dad. JJ opened the fridge and retrieved another can of beer.
 Hand me one of those, would ya? Nash asked.
JJ reached back into the fridge.  I need to talk to my mom about this.
 I doubt it ll do much good. She didn t even know about Sidney until well after you
were born.
 I don t understand. Where was Sidney while all this was going on?
 Here. He was a teenager by then so Jackson thought nothing of leaving him for weeks
at a time. I was here in the little house, so it was me who made sure Sidney ate and did his [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]